Random stuff heard around the house


Angel vs Devil Conversation

There’s a quiz you can take that has been making its rounds amongst our friends. It’s how evil or good you are and a couple of the questions were similar to:

You see a turtle in traffic. Do you risk angering drivers by moving it somewhere safe or leave it.

You need to run into the store fast and the only spot is a handicapped one. Do you take it?

Rich: Some of the people got almost 100% evil.

Me: Yeah, I’m wondering how they answered all of their questions. Apparently a lot of people are running over turtles and parking in handicapped spots.

Unicorn Conversation

Driving around town….

Rich: Didn’t that used to be a uniform store there? Now it’s something else.

Me: I thought you said unicorns at first.

Rich: Yeah, because they sell unicorns at stores now.

Modeling/Photographer Conversation

Me: You know how it’s kind of awkward to tell the model how you want them to pose when taking photos? It’s like, “Okay, maybe look like you’re thinking,” or “Why not smile but close your eyes?” I was thinking that it’d be much easier in a German accent.

Rich: …………. what?

Me: You know like, “You smile big, yes? Now make like lion – roar! Yes, good. Now turn and frown, frown face, yes? You’re bear now, be the bear, grrrrrr!”

Rich: I think I need to drop you off at home so you can reflect on how stupid that was. Besides, that was like three accents in one voice.

Me: Anything Eastern European might work.

Heaven Conversation

We’re watching The Wolf of Wall Street.

Me: What I don’t get is that if you have all of that money the legitimate way, why do you have to do illegal stuff to get more money?

Rich: Probably like drug dealers, greed and more money.

Me: Yeah but why not just be honest? I mean, I work hard to be an honest person – it doesn’t come naturally you know. Remember the girl that forgot to ring up our dog food and you pointed it out to her? I might have paused to consider that – that’s something I have to work at and I do but still….

Rich: And that’s why you’ll never enter the House of Heaven.

Awards Conversation

We’re watching August: Osage County.

Me: So tell me how Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep didn’t win an Oscar for this?

Rich: They cursed too much?

Me: No, but Cate Blanchett – God love her, I adore her but she was in a Woody Allen movie so of course she won. I mean, all you have to do is play a Nazi or be in a Woody Allen movie and you’re a shoe-in.

Rich: What if someone plays a Nazi in a Woody Allen movie?

Me: Then they win all of the awards.

Sleep Conversation

Rich is watching Family Feud and the question was, “Name the longest time you can go without sleep.” The guy answers, “Six hours.”

Rich: Damn, he must be related to you.

Weed Conversation

I have a friend that collects graveyard dirt and asked me to get some when we went to New Orleans. In return, she sent me some from some famous people like Lizzie Borden, Edgar Allen Poe, and H.P. Lovecraft. She sent me a lot so I had some left over after putting it in labeled little bottles.

Me: (as a joke) You know we’re going to take the rest and grow special plants like graveyard plants.

Rich: Or pot.

Me: LOL we’ll have funny names for the weed like at those stores.

Rich: Like Lizzie Borden’s Axe Grinder or Edgar Allen Poe’s The Tale Tell Smoke.

A Couple of Conversations

We’re at Walmart and there’s a girl there in a camo jacket with pajamas and slippers on.

Me: There’s your girlfriend!

Going out to our truck…

Rich: There’s your future husband.

He’s wearing a tank top with pajamas and flip flops.

Me: Touche.


We’re in Dairy Queen and they were playing this song that kept repeating itself kind of like a certain dance number or something.

Me: This sounds like one of those cruise ship songs where the director would have you doing certain dance moves to it and we’d get tired of hearing it. I’d be good at that though…(then I start doing these pantomime dance moves since no one was in there to see me really)

Rich: You need to stop dancing, white girl.

Meth Cooker Conversation

So our vet wants us to give our dogs Benadryl since they have allergies so Walmart has the off-brand for 88 cents each. We bought ten of them a week or two ago. Tonight we were watching Breaking Bad again from the beginning.

Rich: Wonder why they didn’t say anything about all of that Benedryl we bought.

Me: Because that’s not the kind with the D in it or the psuedo whatever that you get behind the counter.

Rich: Oh, that’s right. Makes sense.

Me: I was just hoping someone didn’t think we were meth cookers who didn’t know what we were doing and we looked stupid.

Dog Conversation

Rich went to let Swan out and Donner sat down beside him pretty as you please.

Rich: What do you want, Donner?

Donner: just stares….

Rich: Do you want to go out with Swan?

Donner: just stares….

Rich: You can go outside if you want, boy.

Donner: just stares…

then slowly looks at the canister of dog treats, back at Rich, back at the biscuits, back at Rich.

Rich: Well, now I know what you want.


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