Smiting Conversation
I was helping do the DNS settings on Rich’s laptop and I got annoyed that he tried to print out the instructions rather than just tab back and forth. I’ve had a cold so I started coughing.
Rich: That’s God smiting you for being so mean.
Me: What’d you do to piss him off so that he made you stupid?
(okay that sounds awful but he actually started laughing – it was all in good fun)
People That Just Don’t Get It Conversation
I was talking to Rich earlier and was telling him about this new site that had reviews that were funny and shared one about Chic Fil A. When I was done he was trying to say the person that did the review was stupid.
Me: It was funny; that was the entire point of his post…a funny review.
Rich: That’s not even funny, it was stupid.
Me: Just because you didn’t get it doesn’t mean it’s not funny.
Rich: I’ll tell you what’s funny. We have people at work that can’t log into the WiFi at their room and I called tech support for them and do you know what they were doing? Where it said “enter your room number” the people actually typed “your room number.” The words, just like that. Now that’s funny.
Me: Okay, I admit that is.
An Oldie Conversation
I just found this conversation on my blog that I have to share but you have to read the background stuff first. The conversation follows after.
Okay so a couple of weeks ago I got this mattress from Amazon with a gift certificate from a customer. Who buys beds online? Well, with a big ole gift certificate, I do. It was this memory foam thing that shows up in a bag and once it hits air it expands. I loved it, Rich did not. In fact, he hated it. It was the very epicenter of near-divorce arguments. So finally I agreed to send it back under much duress.
I called Amazon, explained the situation because it did not fully expand to the 10 inches it was supposed to and we wanted that 10 inches. I should say I did cause otherwise it just sounds wrong.
They said to send it back and get a refund. Herein lies the problem. Said mattress is now a full queen sized mattress. They do not make boxes for them. No one does. Mattresses are sent in plastic now. I called UPS and they said a plastic moving cover was fine. Rich went to U Haul and got one. Today UPS came and refused to take it. They would not be responsible for it if it got damaged.
Fast forward to me being on the phone with Amazon, then UPS, then Amazon, then UPS again, then Amazon. For almost 2 hours I did this.
To make a long, harrowing story short, I finally found a nice person at our local UPS office that is going to make a box for it. We just have to bring it to the UPS store tomorrow. On the plus side, the place we bought our mattress from let us exchange it for a brand new one so if we get this one returned I can buy a Kindle!
Here are excerpts from some of the conversations:
Me: UPS won’t accept this mattress
Amazon: You need to wrap it back up like it came.
Me: I can’t. It’s a full mattress now.
Amazon: Don’t you have the original packaging?
Me: Are you listening? It doesn’t fit now, it expanded.
Them: You need to find a box.
Me: There are no boxes! No one uses boxes for mattresses now.
Them: You said you’d keep it with a partial refund.
Me: NO I DIDN’T. I said I’d consider it but we decided against it.
Them: You need to find a box then.
Me: ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WWYD Conversation
We were in Target tonight and the kid two carts in front of us was throwing a fit. I guess he was with his grandmother because another girl gets out of another line and pushes the people in front of us out of the way to pick up the kid and freak out on him.
Me: If she’d pushed me out of the way like that it’d have totally been a What Would You Do moment except I’d have gone off on her and kicked her ass. (now I wouldn’t have really kicked her ass but believe me if she’d pushed me out of the way she’d have gotten my two cents.)
Speaking of that, it was like kid tantrum night. We had gone to Sam’s Club earlier and all these kids were screaming then in Target the kid I was talking about made the kid in front of us start screaming because he was screaming. It was like a daycare nightmare. I have to admit the little baby in front of us was adorable but because of that one kid he just bunched up his face and let loose.
Computer Conversations
Rich: How do you make MSN it’s own thing?
Me: What?
Rich: Like if I have AOL and I have Firefox and I want Bing to work how do I do that with MSN?
Me: I haven’t a clue what you are talking about.
Rich: Listen to me, if I want Bing on MSN as a search how do I do that?
Me: What in the heck are you talking about?
Rich: I don’t want it on Firefox, I want it its own thing.
Me:…………
Rich: You’re not listening.
Me: You’re not making a lick of sense. MSN is a site, put it in your favorites. Bing is a search engine. Firefox is a browser. You are comparing apples and squash or something.
He finally figured out what he wanted to do but for me, I still haven’t a clue. I think he has IE as a browser with MSN as a home page and Bing as his search engine. Then Firefox as a browser and Comcast as that home page and Google as a search engine. And he has AOL. I am confused but as long as it works for him I guess it doesn’t matter if I get it or not.
Distance Conversations
We were talking about our cruise to Key West and the Bahamas this December.
Me: Hey, I just read that Cuba was 90 miles from Key West. Maybe we can see it.
Rich: You can’t see it!
Me: We saw it when we were going to Grand Cayman.
Rich: Yes and it was a tiny dot on the water and it was closer. Besides, you can’t see Tallahassee from here and that’s 100 miles.
Me: Yes, but it’s not on the water!
Rich: You still have the curvature of the earth, Columbus.
Apocalypse Colors Conversation
We were talking about some movies and I mentioned one of my favorites, The Book of Eli.
Rich: I wish you wouldn’t rent movies with no color.
Me: It’s the apocalypse. There is no color during the apocalypse, that’s why the movie has none. (it’s mostly sephia and grey to be honest)
Rich: Not true. Chernobyl still has plant life so it has color.
Me: Well, you do have a point there.
Even though Chernobyl wasn’t an apocalypse, I get the point he was making.
Some Short Conversations
Tonight while driving down the road and listening to the Sirius radio I changed it to the 70′s station.
Rich: Abba? Really? You do realize someone in the truck has testicles, right?
Earlier today while cleaning up for the new television and stand I found my dog’s baby tooth I’d saved.
Me: I can’t believe someone almost lost my dog tooth!
Late tonight after doing a ton of heavy work I noticed my poky thing where my intestines are was poking out. It’s after having surgery and the doctor told me that can happen from time to time and just to push it back in and it may need eventual surgery.
Me: Ugh! My guts are poking out. Come feel it.
Rich: I’m not touching your guts.
Me: FEEL MY GUTS!
It’s under my skin just in case you thought my real guts were poking out. LOL It’s weird and I can’t explain it since it rarely happens.
Georgraphy Conversation
Rich: We’re not going to Mexico, Progreso is in the Yucatan.
Me: Yes, and that’s in Mexico.
Rich: No it’s not, it says Yucatan.
I look it up on the Carnival website.
Me: See? It says Mexico.
Rich: Does it say anywhere suck it, Kim?
Television Conversations
Today we were waiting for Rich’s family to come over for Christmas so he was putting out their presents and I was putting on my makeup.
Me: When you come by can you throw me the remote? I’m tired of watching how things are made. It’s boring.
Rich: You’ll just choose some show where someone needs to lose weight or takes drugs or something.
Me: Yes but making bricks is boring.
Rich: That’s over, what are they making now.
Me: Organs.
Rich: Organs sounds interesting.
Me: OMG
So I turn it to Bridalplasty.
Rich: See, I told you!
Me: That’s not a show about either of those things you mentioned.
Rich: Yes it is. She is exercising to fit into her wedding dress so it is.
Me: <sigh>
On a side note, we are both sick with food poisoning and oddly haven’t murdered each other yet. I believe it is due to being way too ill to make the effort. And it’s Christmas!
Christmas Decorating Conversations
Obviously like I said, we’re way late on putting up decorations but here’s a couple of funny shorts.
Rich: Half of these lights are out and I may not put them up.
Me: We need lights on the house.
Rich: I have the other stuff out there, I didn’t want to put these lights up anyway.
Me: Well, aren’t you a boatload of effing Christmas joy?
And then….
Me: I put the dog’s head on backwards on this decoration. He looks like The Exorcist. (I since remedied the dog’s head and he is now a normal Christmas light up decoration)
Song Conversations
Tonight we had gone out for a bit and as we were leaving a restaurant a song came on I like. It was New Girl Now by Honeymoon Suite just in case you cared. So I turn it up. Rich gets on the phone and turns it down.
Me: What the hell? I told you I like that song.
Rich: Well don’t turn it up when I get on the phone.
Me: Well, don’t get on the phone when I like a song!
Later on, China Grove comes on.
Me: Is that like a Viet Nam song because I have no idea what it’s about. (Turns out this is a popular search, you can read what it means here.)
Rich: I don’t know but for years I thought it was CCR.
Me: LOL
Rich: Oh you didn’t know it was The Hollies either.
Me: Yes I did and it’s not The Hollies, it’s The Doobie Brothers…sheesh.
Caribou Conversations
Here is an oldie from my other blog. (Told you all, I recycle at times)
Tonight we were watching The Amazing Race and they were in the Arctic Circle. There was this caribou there and here is the conversation:
Me: How come that caribou has all those horns? There must be like 10 of them!
Rich: It’s a 6 Point Caribou.
Me: No it’s not, it’s not a deer! Those aren’t the same thing and you can’t trick me.
Rich: It is too, and you call yourself a southerner.
Me: I have seen heads mounted on walls and none of them had all those horns like the Antichrist or something. I bet that caribou is the Antichrist. Besides, we don’t hunt caribou in the south.
Rich: It is too, it’s not like a reindeer you know.
Me: I’m going to Google this later.
Old Music Conversations
A conversation we had the other night going down the road. I was flipping channels on the Sirius radio and came across Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John on the 70′s station.
Me: This song has a special place in my heart. Remember why?
Rich: Uh, no.
Me: Yeah remember? The first time we got HBO hooked up years ago this was the first thing playing. It was Elton John in Central Park and he was playing this song.
Rich: *sarcastic* Mmmm, kay. That’s lame.
Me: HBO is not lame!
About this time another song comes on which was Slow Ride by Foghat.
Me: Oh lookie, you can tell me how you played this song over and over at Miracle Strip! That’s your special memory.
Rich: Shut up
Rich: Hey dumbass, it’s a sportscar, the gas is on the right, use it.
As you can read, the conversation moved on to other subjects.
Who’s Right Conversation
Last night we were headed to Walmart and stopped at a red light. The car in front of us was slow and Rich asked if he should blow his horn (jokingly because it was a police car)…
Me: Oh, it’s a cop. I guess not
Rich: No worse, it’s a state trooper. They’re like the Storm Troopers of law enforcement.
Me: They’re like Nazis?
Rich: What are you talking about? Storm Troopers are in Star Wars.
Me: I thought they were Nazis. I’m pretty sure they’re Nazis.
Rich: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: I’m gonna post this cause it’s pretty funny.
Rich: You’re the one that is going to look stupid.
Me: No I’m not, it’s funny.
Later that night…..
Me: Hey Rich, Storm Troopers are also Nazis! Booyah! I looked it up and it’s a popular search it seems. Now who is right?
