Two Short Conversations of Dumbness
Me: I can’t believe my friend Amy was hit by a truck and she didn’t get the guy’s info. I know if some guy hit me while I was pregnant I’d be calling the cops.
Rich: Are you freaking kidding me?
Me: What?
Rich: It was metaphorical. She was saying she wasn’t feeling good and felt like she’d been hit by a truck.
Me: Oh……
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Melissa: (telling me something about Teen Mom)
Me: I watch some of those too but mostly just that season with Janelle and Tiffany.
Melissa: Yeah but you know what is stupid? They always show every scenario about the teen moms like having the baby and keeping it, having it and adopting it out and all. But you know they never show if they were to get an abortion.
Me: Then it wouldn’t be called Teen Mom.
Melissa: Oh…..
Dozing Conversation
I was talking to my friend Mel and she was telling me about falling asleep while talking to someone.
Me: OMG I know.
Mel: I don’t even know what I said to that person either.
Me: Well, you know how you doze off and say weird things or start to dream? I was talking on the phone with this paid survey company and dozed off. I blurted out, “DOLPHINS KISSING.”
Mel: ROFL Where did that even come from?
Me: I have no idea but it made me wake right up and I tried to fix it. But you can’t fix DOLPHINS KISSING.
Mel: I know, you can’t fix something DOLPHINS KISSING at all.
Dating Conversation
Rich has a co-worker that joined a local dating site and this is what the conversation was.
Rich: So, F***ster joined a dating site and a girl wanted to meet him on a Saturday. So he shows up and four other guys showed up too.
Me: WTF?
Rich: Turns out she wanted help moving.
Me: OMG
Rich: One guy told her to go f*ck herself but F***ster actually stayed and helped her move.
Me: ………………..
Short Conversations
Mel: My Sim is a hoarder
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Me: Did I ever tell you about the time Rich thought I had a stroke?
Mel: No!
Me: I had gotten a Brazilian wax kit and it had numbing gel. Somehow when boxing it back up I touched my face and we were at Sam’s Club and my face went numb. Rich thought I’d had a stroke and was going to take me to the hospital till I figured out it was the waxing gel.
Mel: ……………..
Time Conversation
Rich was talking to a sort of co-worker at work and was discussing the new year.
Rich: We’ll probably go out to Pier Park and watch the ball drop, etc.
Person: What time are they having all of that?
Rich: Well, the fireworks and ball drop is at midnight of course.
Person: Why are they doing it that late? I’ll be in bed!
Rich: Um, that’s when the new year is……….
Not My Conversation
I overheard this conversation with a friend. I bears repeating since it was rather funny.
Friend: I hope the makeover actually puts more makeup on me. Like, what if they just do skin care and I have to drive home with no makeup?
Other friend: Yeah, that would suck too.
Friend: My luck I’d get arrested and go to jail with no makeup. Like that last time, except this time I’d be wearing pants.
Misunderstanding Mexico Conversation
Me: We were at the pet store and they had the cutest little bull terrier puppies, kind of like pugs. And I petted a cockatoo but he kept trying to eat my buttons. Oh and they had a hedgehog and chinchillas.
Mel: What are chinchillas?
Me: They’re little animals with the softest fur ever. Some people make coats out of them because of the fur but they are so adorable.
Mel: Wait, I thought chinchillas were a Mexican food.
Me:…………….
Me: Lord, I’ll look them up. Okay it says they are from the Andes Mountains in South America and…..
Mel: See, I told you they were from Mexico.
Me:……………………………….!!!!!
A couple of conversations
Me: Hey Rich, I should start talking to you like some of our friends on Facebook. Like, “Oh hubby, you are the best ever. I wuv you so much” and you can call me Wifey and stuff and write back and forth all day. (this was a joke by the way)
Rich: If you do that I will unfriend you, my own wife.
……………………
Me: I feel ugly today.
Rich: Why do you feel ugly?
Me: I looked in the mirror.
(now this sounds pathetic but it was actually funny. We were going to a social and I had looked in the truck mirror and didn’t like my makeup or something)
No Job For You Conversation
A friend of Melissa’s went to get a job at Netflix. BTW, I’d love to work at Netflix I think. I know we have one locally but I have no idea where it is or when they hire. It’s all one big secret like they are scared someone will shoot up the place because their movie is scratched. Anyway, here’s a conversation that was hilarious.
Melissa: My friend went to get a job at Netflix and they told him to tell them what he knew about Netflix. So he says, “I know y’all have those red boxes everywhere.”
Netflix: That’s not us.
Needless to say, he did not get the job.
No One Rides for Free Conversation
I was talking to Melissa and she had met a guy at the library who asked her out to lunch.
Mel: So we get finished eating our McDonalds food and he actually asked me if I wanted to go to his place and work the food off. When I said “huh” he asked if I wanted to squeak the bedsprings.
Me: Oh no he didn’t!
Mel: Yes he did and for McDonalds! I didn’t even get a value meal.
Me: For that he could have at least took you to Outback or bought you dessert.
Harry Potter Conversation
Me: I was watching the J.K. Rowling story the other night and it was excellent but I thought of you.
Mel: Why?
Me: They said that every 30 seconds a person starts a Harry Potter book for the first time. And I was thinking that the only people that I know that haven’t read the Harry Potter books are fundamentalist Christians and you.
Ring Tone Conversations
I was trying to watch something and Rich kept playing music on his laptop.
Me: Do you have to do that and why are you playing the theme to Sanford and Son anyway?
Rich: I’m thinking of using it as a ringtone.
Me: Really. And who will be the black junkyard owner that gets the ring tone?
Rich: You can give me Melissa’s number.
**disclaimer** Melissa is fully aware of this conversation, loved it and gave her blessing to use it. In fact, she encourages me all the time to do an uncensored version of this blog but I haven’t quite gotten the nerve yet. This is due in part to those that read it will probably tell me sure, I can’t wait to read it, nothing offends me. They don’t even know! LOL
Troll Conversation
I was talking to a friend about someone sending her some money and she had expected much more.
Me: I bet she built that all up too, didn’t she?
Mel: She sure did!
Me: I call that the troll syndrome. When I worked at the newspaper years ago this guy liked me and said he had a gift for me. He built it up all week long and do you know what it was when I got it?
Mel: No, what!
Me: A freaking troll doll. You know those kind you put on a pencil with the big hair? That’s what he gave me as a gift.
My freaking gift. I mean, really?
Helping a Friend Conversation
So I was talking to my friend and she was spending the night at the beach and even showering there. She lives a few states away so it’s not like she could stay with us. 😦
Me: Awww, now you’re like a homeless person. 😦
Her: No I’m not. I’m just taking some “me” time for a day or two.
Me: You’re like Jennifer Connelly in House of Sand and Fog. She had to shower at the beach and all when she lost her house. Have you seen it? It’s really depressing.
Her: Thanks a lot. I need happy movies to watch.
Me: Okay what about The Sound of Music? Oh wait, that had Nazis and stuff.
Her: Geez thanks Kim. Isn’t that the movie with the family trying to escape from the Nazis?
Me: Okay, my bad.
Heard at Home 