Driving down the road…
Rich: What kind of tires did that truck have?
Me: I have no idea but it sounded like an alien ship.
Rich: I’m glad I wasn’t the only one thinking that.
Earlier we saw the local pirate ship in the bay while crossing the bridge, which got me to thinking…and rambling nonsensically
Me: I wish you could go back in time just to look at things. I don’t mean mess with anything because we all know how that turns out but just see stuff. Like see this area in the 1700’s or see dinosaurs or something. In fact, maybe like a magic television in Heaven where you could dial in a year and location and visit it and observe. Except God would be like, “You watched enough TV while you were alive, now you’re still doing it.”
Tonight we were going out and sometimes when I talk I put words together that make no sense because I added one letter from one word to another word like if I were to call one of my dogs Ditz instead of Blitz or Donner.
Me: I’m almost ready to go, I just need to grab my Jews.
Rich: Say what?
Me: OMG I meant my jewelry and my shoes. Geez, that was so not cool.
Here are a few shorts.
Me: Rich why did you sweep the floor but not put it in a dustpan? Who does that?
Rich: I’ll get it later.
Me: That’s ridiculous, it’s like people that sweep dirt under the rug.
Rich: I didn’t realize I could do that.
Me to a friend: I need my hair cut, it looks like Aileen Wuornos from that movie, Monster. (I did get my hair cut and highlights so no more awful trashy hair)
We have some awards in frames on the wall in the dining room like my college degree, Rich’s military stuff, etc. So when we got our latest alarm system they send out a certificate for your insurance company. It looks like a degree.
Rich: You know you’re going to hang that on the wall like an award.
Me: Okay, that was a good one.
Me: The cat peed somewhere and it smells like Satan’s toes. (To elaborate, our house doesn’t smell like cat pee but he did pee on Swan’s bed so that had to be washed)
I was talking to my friend from Oregon and she was telling me about a guy who said that the last girl he dated was a stalker. She uses public transportation there so she told him:
My friend: What am I going to do, a bus-by? (instead of a drive-by)
Me: What about a “I got a ride-by”
Me: Or a “Google Street View-by”
Me just now: My speakers aren’t working. I’m trying to watch a video and nothing is making any sound.
Rich: Maybe something came unplugged.
Me: Let me try a game so I’ll know if it’s just videos or the whole thing.
Me: Nope, not working.
Me: Oh hell, I’m an idiot. My headphones are plugged in.
Here are some shorts. No, not that kind. Remember the post about leg shaving?
Driving through the mall parking lot we see some workers putting out cones.
Rich: I accept your challenge!
One of our iPhone conversations:
Me: School is boring me but I be learning stuffs! (yes, I was texting in school like I was in high school except they didn’t have smart phones when I was in high school. I was duped!)
Rich: Stupid auto-correct. I mean are you hungry.
Rich: BTW, where is my crackhead “name withheld to protect the person who might read this” at?
Me: smoking crack?
Rich: True that.
Me: Hey, I did great on my test. I do not suck!
I so much feel like a teen when I text and get a reply that said, “True that.”
PS: I really do shave my legs.
I’m going to share something very personal here. I almost didn’t.
Me: Rich, I’m reading in my Criminology book that men with more testosterone are more prone to rage and that includes a hairy body. LOL That’s you! That’s why you’re so mean.
Rich: I wouldn’t talk. With those hairy legs you could join the Greenpeace boat.
Okay, I shaved my legs but I was telling him that I had razor issues and had to shave my underarms and all again after my shower because my blade was dull or something. I swear that I shave my legs. This was too funny not to share but seriously people, I shave my legs. Don’t judge me! Really! I promise!
We were talking about our cruise to Key West and the Bahamas this December.
Me: Hey, I just read that Cuba was 90 miles from Key West. Maybe we can see it.
Rich: You can’t see it!
Me: We saw it when we were going to Grand Cayman.
Rich: Yes and it was a tiny dot on the water and it was closer. Besides, you can’t see Tallahassee from here and that’s 100 miles.
Me: Yes, but it’s not on the water!
Rich: You still have the curvature of the earth, Columbus.
We have a security system, which you know about if you’ve read any of the other recent posts here. Well, our sign attracts competitors constantly. Let’s say we have Company A. Company B sees the sign and knows we have already felt we wanted a system so they stop by constantly to offer us a “better” deal. I see their thought process but in my opinion your best customers are new customers. Totally new. However, I see what they are doing. They are thinking that if we already went with one company then we are open to the idea of another. Regardless, we’ll have up to 7 of these guys (usually from ADT) stop by in a month. It’s annoying. One stopped by when Rich was home.
Rich: He want to sell us another system as usual. I told him we were not interested and they had nothing like we have anyway.
Me: They saw our sign.
Rich: I should shoot them on the lawn. You can do that in Florida.
Me: LOL No you can’t. You have to feel threatened for your life. You can’t just shoot salesmen.
Rich: I know but we’ll say he was eyeballing our system and we felt threatened.
Now this was all in jest but it cracked me up. It might not make you laugh but we did. I promise you we don’t just shoot folks. Zombies, yes. Salespeople, not yet.
So we have this awesome security system and the video camera takes a video when the front door is opened. So most of it is us going in and out which you can delete off of your master panel. Yep, we have a freaking master panel! Anyway, the other night a video clip shows up at like 5:00 AM.
Me: Rich, there was a video clip at 5 am and I watched it cause I know no one went in or out at that time so I was looking for ghosts! I watched the whole thing and the door never opened so I wonder why it took it? Plus, I was thinking that if I DID see a ghost I’d run get you and freak out and when you’d come watch the video it wouldn’t be there and you’d think I was crazy.