So I’m talking to Rich and I say:
Me: Do you know something that you say that drives me nuts?
Me: You say offline instead of online.
Me: Like that guy asked you where you get the restaurant discounts and you said they got them offline. It’s online, not offline. Sure, it’s not as bad as the interline that I’ve heard someone say but it’s still not right.
Rich: Good Lord, who cares. I don’t make fun of you.
Me: Yes, you do. Every time I talk you make fun of my accent so we’re even.
So a few minutes later…..
Rich: You should have sent us some ice cream or something today after having to work in the heat.
Me: Now how exactly would I do that? Oh wait, I could have ordered something offline!
Rich: I need to change the oil tomorrow, can I use your head as a prop to hold the truck in place?
I just found this conversation on my blog that I have to share but you have to read the background stuff first. The conversation follows after.
Okay so a couple of weeks ago I got this mattress from Amazon with a gift certificate from a customer. Who buys beds online? Well, with a big ole gift certificate, I do. It was this memory foam thing that shows up in a bag and once it hits air it expands. I loved it, Rich did not. In fact, he hated it. It was the very epicenter of near-divorce arguments. So finally I agreed to send it back under much duress.
I called Amazon, explained the situation because it did not fully expand to the 10 inches it was supposed to and we wanted that 10 inches. I should say I did cause otherwise it just sounds wrong.
They said to send it back and get a refund. Herein lies the problem. Said mattress is now a full queen sized mattress. They do not make boxes for them. No one does. Mattresses are sent in plastic now. I called UPS and they said a plastic moving cover was fine. Rich went to U Haul and got one. Today UPS came and refused to take it. They would not be responsible for it if it got damaged.
Fast forward to me being on the phone with Amazon, then UPS, then Amazon, then UPS again, then Amazon. For almost 2 hours I did this.
To make a long, harrowing story short, I finally found a nice person at our local UPS office that is going to make a box for it. We just have to bring it to the UPS store tomorrow. On the plus side, the place we bought our mattress from let us exchange it for a brand new one so if we get this one returned I can buy a Kindle!
Here are excerpts from some of the conversations:
Me: UPS won’t accept this mattress
Amazon: You need to wrap it back up like it came.
Me: I can’t. It’s a full mattress now.
Amazon: Don’t you have the original packaging?
Me: Are you listening? It doesn’t fit now, it expanded.
Them: You need to find a box.
Me: There are no boxes! No one uses boxes for mattresses now.
Them: You said you’d keep it with a partial refund.
Me: NO I DIDN’T. I said I’d consider it but we decided against it.
Them: You need to find a box then.
We’re headed home listening to some music on Sirius XM the Boneyard, which plays retro rock. This song comes on by YES called Hold On.
Me: OMG I haven’t heard that song in years and it’s like my favorite YES song. Wow!
Rich: Can you believe my dad bought Pink Floyd?
So the conversation keeps going a while.
Me: When I was younger we’d go every weekend to either my Granddad’s house in Ebro or my Uncle Clinzy’s house in Freeport and both are like so far away. So sometimes my dad would choose the radio station and it was always bluegrass. I hated it and would throw a tantrum.
Rich: Didn’t you have a walkman or something?
Me: Not back then; later though.
Rich: My parents always dragged me to stuff like Mel Tillis or what’s the Mexican guy?
Me: You mean Freddy Fender?
Rich: That’s it!
Me: I’ll be there before the next teardrop falls.
Rich: Yes, that’s him. We met all those people.
Me: I actually like Freddy Fender’s music. I met Porter Wagoner. Oh and those monkeys that ride the tiny dogs at the rodeo.
I was talking to my friend on the phone and joking about stockpiles after the apocalypse. Whether it be a zombie one, EMP’s or whatever; the first thing to go will be the city water supply considering ours goes out once in a while over nothing. So I was wondering how to use the bathroom.
Me: Oh wait, we have that Doggie Dooley system in the backyard. We can use the bathroom there! You just open it up and we even have the enzymes that kill the stuff.
Me: Or we can refill the toilet water with pool water!
Rich: Yeah but the pipes will clog up because if the city waste water treatment plant isn’t working there’s nowhere for it to go.
Me: Okay, back to the Doggie Dooley.
Winn Dixie has this new thing where you can’t take the carts out of their parking lot. It’s some kind of electrical thing that stops the wheels.
Me: What will we do in an apocalyptic situation when we come up here to get food and stuff to cart home? Wait, if the electricity is off I guess the carts could leave the perimeter.
Watching the Voice tonight and one guy sang Angel by Sarah McLachlan.
Me: Now all we need are puppies on the stage. (reference to those sad Humane Society commercials)
Watching Game of Thrones tonight where all of the barbarian guys start yelling to prepare for war.
Rich: What’s in your wallet?