There is a disclaimer that all of these were ran past my friend that is black and she thought the shoe conversation was hilarious so there is no ill will or hatred meant in this but yes, I had this conversation.
Me: Rich, help me find my sandals before we go out because my feet hurt. (the dogs push them under the sofa and I lose them)
Rich: I only see the lizard ones and one of each of the other two. Which ones do you want?
Me: The lizard ones hurt my feet. Just give me the blacks or the Mexicans. Oh Lord, that sounded like I was hiring someone.
(one pair is black and the other pair I got in Mexico)
Me: We were at the pet store and they had the cutest little bull terrier puppies, kind of like pugs. And I petted a cockatoo but he kept trying to eat my buttons. Oh and they had a hedgehog and chinchillas.
Mel: What are chinchillas?
Me: They’re little animals with the softest fur ever. Some people make coats out of them because of the fur but they are so adorable.
Mel: Wait, I thought chinchillas were a Mexican food.
Me: Lord, I’ll look them up. Okay it says they are from the Andes Mountains in South America and…..
Mel: See, I told you they were from Mexico.
Rich and I were talking about rabies and stuff.
Rich: They are having free rabies vaccinations here. We should take the dogs and get their shots updated.
Me: I know. With all the squirrels, possums, and birds they chase around like doves and stuff it’d be a good idea.
Rich: When have you known a bird to have rabies?
Rich: Bats aren’t birds you idiot. Bats are mammals.
Me: I know, I just wasn’t thinking.
Rich: Did you even take biology in school?
Me: I took it, failed it and retook it.
Rich: You were high during the entire high school years, weren’t you?
Rich: Dammit to hell, is the cat in the fish tank again? (this would be in the cabinet not the actual tank itself)
Rich: Something just sneezed and the door opened a bit then closed.
Me: That or we have a ghost with allergies.
This conversation happened a year or two ago between Rich and a friend of ours. If said friend reads this, know that it’s all in good fun.
Friend: Our dog Tater is lost.
Rich: Oh no! Did you call the animal control or the pound?
Friend: Yes we did but they don’t have a dog named Tater.
Fast forward a few days later.
Rich: I would go down there and see for myself.
Later that day.
Friend: We found Tater!
Rich: That’s great, why didn’t they tell you they had them.
Friend: His tag said Tatter. They didn’t know it was the same dog.
Last night Rich went to toast some bread in our toaster oven. We were having BLT’s for dinner (yum).
Rich: Who unplugged this?
Me: Not me. I haven’t been back there to unplug it. Maybe the cat did it.
Rich: How would the cat unplug it?
Me: He gets back there sometimes when he’s not supposed to be on the counter.
Rich: Wait, it’s not unplugged; all of the dials are just in the wrong settings.
Me: Oh wait, I did that trying to turn it on the other day.
Rich: I was going to say that if the cat can turn the dials he can make me a sandwich.
So tonight Rich says…
Rich: Is someone throwing up in there?
Me: I’m not sure, let me look. OMG yes. Yuck! It was Blitz. I’ll feed the them if you clean this up.
Rich: You should have given them any of your stuffing.
Me: Um, I see noodles and I didn’t give them noodles. That was you! There are tons of noodles in this vomit.
Before we start, I have the sense of humor of a junior high school boy. So anything on this topic makes me get the giggles and snorts.
Rich: OMG which one of you dogs stunk up the room?
Me: I think it was Blitz…oh wait, it’s him, he’s smelling his butt.
About this time Blitz high tails it out of the room.
Rich: OMG you stinky wh*re. You smell so bad it even made you leave the room!
At this point I burst into …yep, giggles and snorts. Between Blitz and Swan, it’s a good thing we have candles and air freshener in the house. Donner isn’t so bad but when he does do it, you hear it. That also sends me into fits of laughter.
Today I looked outside and Donner was rolling around on something pink and furry. No, it wasn’t a baby possum, it was a cute little doggie parka with a fur trim. Now we own no such doggie attire so I can only assume it was a gift.
Me: Donner found a pink doggie parka. I put it in the wash.
Rich: Where’d he get that?
Me: Maybe someone threw it over the fence although lord knows why. Are they trying to bling my dog?
Rich: I hope he didn’t yank it off one of the chihuahua’s out back. (they like to bark and try to get said small pups through the fence)
Me: Ha! I’m picturing them like, “Give me the jacket, bitch!”
I plan to take a picture of Swan in it for Christmas. It’s not like we can give it back and it washed up as pretty as new.
We had a doggie party to attend yesterday and our four legged friends were invited too. We opted not to bring them because the twins can be wild and Swan likes to nip at others. So as I am getting ready the twins start fighting.
Me: And that’s why you can’t go to the party!
Later that night I go to pet our quaker, Callie and he bit at me.
Me: Don’t bite me
Callie: You okay?
See, it’s not just conversations with Rich that are amusing to me.